Monday, July 6, 2015
Ambition out the door
I try to be "all here" for my kids but lately after a lot of time with shingles and pain I've spent the majority of my time in bed in pain. Today In trying to force myself to realize that I will be in pain no matter where I'm at and the best way to combat the depression from the pain is to not spend all my time in bed feeling melancholy.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
How do you heal your broken mind and soul when there shattered in so many pieces?
Today I awoke to the sound of my 6 year old son Zachary talking, what a wonderful sound to hear in the morning!
I'm more determined than ever for this Easter to be the one where I can feel I've started to put the pieces back together. I'm trying to figure out how to make each new holiday be about the present and not the past, I'm desperate for the peace of mind this could bring me, yet I don't know where to start. I love Tyler and Zachary with all of my heart and can't imagine a day without hearing their voices, getting a hug, a kiss. I don't want to concentrate on what my mind always go to; which is say Good Bye and I love you as much as possible you may never utter those words again. So how to begin to heal , I guess I will delve into the hurt, pain and tremendous sense of loss that has made me so broken. I can wipe the tears and try and wipe the hurt away from my mind.
Here Goes:
I look at all of the Easter stuff there's so much to choose from but I can't buy it, I try each year but inevitably I walk of a store empty handed minus a basket that's very non traditional. I caught myself looking and getting emotional and recalling emt's and policemen bringing Easter items to the hospital. I hit this wall year after year; wondering why don't I just make a list of what is "normal" Easter celebration items ? I don't know what they are I only have one kind of Easter "after the wreck" !
My mom couldn't cope with the loss of her mother and my sister so she just didn't mention it. It was always a "taboo" topic to talk about "them". So one day I have a sister and all of a sudden she's gone and I can't even ask my mom any questions about it. I had no idea until just now how emotional this would make me. We lived our lives as if not mentioning my sister and grandmother were dead would mean it never happened. I don't get it, I can't understand, she won't talk about it. I needed closure , my family needed closure , they couldn't wait to bury my sister so we never had any memorial for her except her grave that I only went to with my older sister or my dad. I never could freely go there when I wanted to until I could drive. What an odd thing for a teenager to do when you start driving. I would drive to East Lawn Cemetery where Lori is buried and sit in the grass by her and talk to her.
I want more than ever to not make her name unmentionable I tell the kids about her and my grandmother all the time. I try and tell them all the wonderful things I can about them. I want my kids to have Easter and know when they have kids not to let the past traumatize them; I just don't know how. I'm delving into my past and why I just seem to associate holidays with tragedy. I think partly it is because so many holidays in our family are tainted by family blood.
We always still had Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house and it was a huge family get together each year. That all changed on 12-01-89 when my grandfather(maternal) lived with us because he was paranoid schizophrenic, he had lived with us since 1982. He had just got home from Va hospital and dr's said he was fine, he was anything but. He woke up on the morning of 12-1 which he never intended to do (he had taken an entire Rx bottle of sleeping pills) that morning he wakes up eats breakfast and as I was walking into our kitchen to get my books for school he shot himself I just heard a loud sound and saw him fly backwards into the dishwasher the door was open he fell into it. I went and beat on the bathroom door to get my mom. We call 911 and go to hospital. I didn't see the gun his back was to me, all I saw was his head fly violently backwards after bang sound then he hit the dishwasher. The hospital informs us he had shot him self in the head almost right between the eyes with a 22. He had dropped the gun in the trash can also intentional.
11-31 I had called my mom at work and said "Papaw is acting weird he keeps pacing by the refrigerator and cabinet and open and closing the drawer." she came home but no one ever opened the drawer. I've always wondered "WHY" I noticed him there I thought it bizarre but I never opened this drawer where he had hidden his gun. I will live with the guilt of this day for the rest of my life.
How do you heal your broken mind and soul when there shattered in so many pieces ?
I'm more determined than ever for this Easter to be the one where I can feel I've started to put the pieces back together. I'm trying to figure out how to make each new holiday be about the present and not the past, I'm desperate for the peace of mind this could bring me, yet I don't know where to start. I love Tyler and Zachary with all of my heart and can't imagine a day without hearing their voices, getting a hug, a kiss. I don't want to concentrate on what my mind always go to; which is say Good Bye and I love you as much as possible you may never utter those words again. So how to begin to heal , I guess I will delve into the hurt, pain and tremendous sense of loss that has made me so broken. I can wipe the tears and try and wipe the hurt away from my mind.
Here Goes:
I look at all of the Easter stuff there's so much to choose from but I can't buy it, I try each year but inevitably I walk of a store empty handed minus a basket that's very non traditional. I caught myself looking and getting emotional and recalling emt's and policemen bringing Easter items to the hospital. I hit this wall year after year; wondering why don't I just make a list of what is "normal" Easter celebration items ? I don't know what they are I only have one kind of Easter "after the wreck" !
My mom couldn't cope with the loss of her mother and my sister so she just didn't mention it. It was always a "taboo" topic to talk about "them". So one day I have a sister and all of a sudden she's gone and I can't even ask my mom any questions about it. I had no idea until just now how emotional this would make me. We lived our lives as if not mentioning my sister and grandmother were dead would mean it never happened. I don't get it, I can't understand, she won't talk about it. I needed closure , my family needed closure , they couldn't wait to bury my sister so we never had any memorial for her except her grave that I only went to with my older sister or my dad. I never could freely go there when I wanted to until I could drive. What an odd thing for a teenager to do when you start driving. I would drive to East Lawn Cemetery where Lori is buried and sit in the grass by her and talk to her.
I want more than ever to not make her name unmentionable I tell the kids about her and my grandmother all the time. I try and tell them all the wonderful things I can about them. I want my kids to have Easter and know when they have kids not to let the past traumatize them; I just don't know how. I'm delving into my past and why I just seem to associate holidays with tragedy. I think partly it is because so many holidays in our family are tainted by family blood.
We always still had Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house and it was a huge family get together each year. That all changed on 12-01-89 when my grandfather(maternal) lived with us because he was paranoid schizophrenic, he had lived with us since 1982. He had just got home from Va hospital and dr's said he was fine, he was anything but. He woke up on the morning of 12-1 which he never intended to do (he had taken an entire Rx bottle of sleeping pills) that morning he wakes up eats breakfast and as I was walking into our kitchen to get my books for school he shot himself I just heard a loud sound and saw him fly backwards into the dishwasher the door was open he fell into it. I went and beat on the bathroom door to get my mom. We call 911 and go to hospital. I didn't see the gun his back was to me, all I saw was his head fly violently backwards after bang sound then he hit the dishwasher. The hospital informs us he had shot him self in the head almost right between the eyes with a 22. He had dropped the gun in the trash can also intentional.
11-31 I had called my mom at work and said "Papaw is acting weird he keeps pacing by the refrigerator and cabinet and open and closing the drawer." she came home but no one ever opened the drawer. I've always wondered "WHY" I noticed him there I thought it bizarre but I never opened this drawer where he had hidden his gun. I will live with the guilt of this day for the rest of my life.
How do you heal your broken mind and soul when there shattered in so many pieces ?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tomorrow is a new day
I always like to think if I wake up tomorrow it's a brand new day and I won't take that for granted. I find that I lie to myself daily about not taking each day for granted, we all do it. It's as if we justify it by saying I have to plan things so we assuime we have many tomorrows. I never want to forget the lessons that I learned earlier in life about taking life for granted because they carried a tragic price tag. They are priceless.
My mom was a procrastinator (as am I) so April 5th 1980 my mom went Easter shopping that Saturday night would change all of our lives forever. We went Easter shopping and started home. At the same time a drunk driver was drag racing he had a passenger and they were drag racing 2 girls, all of a sudden 130 miles an hour 2 vehicles loose control and hit us head on. My mom died 3 times that first night . She had broken both of her arms and legs and had 64 fractures beyond that . My grandmother my mom's mom died and my sister Lori who was 11 months older than me died she was thrown through the windshield of our car. My brother had an ankle fracture , he was luckily instantly thrown from the car on the lower part of our back seat. Jeannie my older sister was seriously injured she had massive head trauma and had broken both of her cheek bones and nose . She had broken one of her arms and her humerous had came through her arm. I had broken both of my legs and had massive head trauma . I also had a compound fracture in my left leg femur and tibia right femur ankle and tibia.
My father was called to the hospital which I can imagine for him was the worst day of his life. I have few memories of the actual wreck but I remember almost all of the time in the hospital from the ambulance on. I didn't learn the truth about my sister until I went home which was close to 6 months after the wreck. I know why my dad didn't tell me the truth, he couldn't, he wouldn't, it would have killed us literally, I didn't know my grandmother was gone either until after going home too.
My life has been forever changed in ways you could never imagine. I have a huge problem waiting to give my kids gifts because I never know if they will be here or if I will. Stupid things now I guess but I've also always been traumatized when it gets near this time of year.
The reality sets in that Easter is around the corner and I have a hard time celebrating this day. this month this holiday that reminds me so much of what I know I will always think of .
I have to say it's not lost on me the importance of Easter and religion,but what has always been so hard to accept for me was that 2 drunks who caused this walked away....they lived long lives!
The women in the other car were also killed so total cost of one asshole's drunk night out = 4 lives and my family broken and in disarray. I have trouble reconciling how God can let this happen. Then I think God didn't make this happen a man made this happen.
I would love to say I've come to terms with my past and accept what happened that night , but I don't, I can't, and I won't . What was taken from me that night was my family, my faith,my security and most of all my childhood. I could never be that carefree kid after this happened. my mom was permanently disabled and there was never a childhood again.
I hope one day that I can reconcile this in my mind. I want the peace of forgiveness but I'm not ready for it. I sit here tears running, mind racing and hands trembling. This is not a mind ready to forgive this is a mind finally beginning to heal.
I look at this day as the day I'll try and take back Life and all of its splendor!
I think as I try and heal my broken mind and soul that I will add to this each day that I can. I won't say tomorrow not now.
My mom was a procrastinator (as am I) so April 5th 1980 my mom went Easter shopping that Saturday night would change all of our lives forever. We went Easter shopping and started home. At the same time a drunk driver was drag racing he had a passenger and they were drag racing 2 girls, all of a sudden 130 miles an hour 2 vehicles loose control and hit us head on. My mom died 3 times that first night . She had broken both of her arms and legs and had 64 fractures beyond that . My grandmother my mom's mom died and my sister Lori who was 11 months older than me died she was thrown through the windshield of our car. My brother had an ankle fracture , he was luckily instantly thrown from the car on the lower part of our back seat. Jeannie my older sister was seriously injured she had massive head trauma and had broken both of her cheek bones and nose . She had broken one of her arms and her humerous had came through her arm. I had broken both of my legs and had massive head trauma . I also had a compound fracture in my left leg femur and tibia right femur ankle and tibia.
My father was called to the hospital which I can imagine for him was the worst day of his life. I have few memories of the actual wreck but I remember almost all of the time in the hospital from the ambulance on. I didn't learn the truth about my sister until I went home which was close to 6 months after the wreck. I know why my dad didn't tell me the truth, he couldn't, he wouldn't, it would have killed us literally, I didn't know my grandmother was gone either until after going home too.
My life has been forever changed in ways you could never imagine. I have a huge problem waiting to give my kids gifts because I never know if they will be here or if I will. Stupid things now I guess but I've also always been traumatized when it gets near this time of year.
The reality sets in that Easter is around the corner and I have a hard time celebrating this day. this month this holiday that reminds me so much of what I know I will always think of .
I have to say it's not lost on me the importance of Easter and religion,but what has always been so hard to accept for me was that 2 drunks who caused this walked away....they lived long lives!
The women in the other car were also killed so total cost of one asshole's drunk night out = 4 lives and my family broken and in disarray. I have trouble reconciling how God can let this happen. Then I think God didn't make this happen a man made this happen.
I would love to say I've come to terms with my past and accept what happened that night , but I don't, I can't, and I won't . What was taken from me that night was my family, my faith,my security and most of all my childhood. I could never be that carefree kid after this happened. my mom was permanently disabled and there was never a childhood again.
I hope one day that I can reconcile this in my mind. I want the peace of forgiveness but I'm not ready for it. I sit here tears running, mind racing and hands trembling. This is not a mind ready to forgive this is a mind finally beginning to heal.
I look at this day as the day I'll try and take back Life and all of its splendor!
I think as I try and heal my broken mind and soul that I will add to this each day that I can. I won't say tomorrow not now.
Enjoying life
I have to say that after a terrible ordeal right after Thanksgiving of Shingles down both hips and legs and my spine that left me with terrible post herpatic nueropathy and more nerve damage.
I had become accustomed to dealing with Shingles as my 1st outbreak occurred in November 1997 and from then on recurred each year more frequently. I've spent way to much of the last 6 years with doctors,neuorolgist,pain manangement, and infectious disease specialist all to hear the same thing you have recurring Shingles there is nothing we can do except anti viral meds prophilatically and treat the pain. Thanksgiving night 2010 I fell and that's what caused Shingles but this time it was much worse. I went through such a deep depression from December to beginning of March. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces again and enjoy the splendor of life.
I've been hitting the trail again with Paige (my friend) and swiiming with her as well. Getting back on the trail was exhilirating and I love it ! I love swimming to but since an accident as a teenager in which I almost drowned in a lake in Tn I had only been swimming a little in the summer with the boys. Something about almost drowning left me traumatized not in water but under water. I think I'm working toward getting through it and hope to eventually be back to the swimmer I was on swim team .
Tyler babysat Zachary for the first time 10 days ago and did a great job and was rewarded nicely for doing so. Zahcary is doing better in school but I'm still bothered that Daniel didn't tell me the school wanted to move Z to 1st grade because I wanted it to happen and he did not.
But all in all I'm once again I'm trying to see the blessing each day offers and remember tomorrow is not a promise!
I had become accustomed to dealing with Shingles as my 1st outbreak occurred in November 1997 and from then on recurred each year more frequently. I've spent way to much of the last 6 years with doctors,neuorolgist,pain manangement, and infectious disease specialist all to hear the same thing you have recurring Shingles there is nothing we can do except anti viral meds prophilatically and treat the pain. Thanksgiving night 2010 I fell and that's what caused Shingles but this time it was much worse. I went through such a deep depression from December to beginning of March. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces again and enjoy the splendor of life.
I've been hitting the trail again with Paige (my friend) and swiiming with her as well. Getting back on the trail was exhilirating and I love it ! I love swimming to but since an accident as a teenager in which I almost drowned in a lake in Tn I had only been swimming a little in the summer with the boys. Something about almost drowning left me traumatized not in water but under water. I think I'm working toward getting through it and hope to eventually be back to the swimmer I was on swim team .
Tyler babysat Zachary for the first time 10 days ago and did a great job and was rewarded nicely for doing so. Zahcary is doing better in school but I'm still bothered that Daniel didn't tell me the school wanted to move Z to 1st grade because I wanted it to happen and he did not.
But all in all I'm once again I'm trying to see the blessing each day offers and remember tomorrow is not a promise!
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